broken

BROKEN

The lamp outside my room flickers on && off
Reminding me of every second about how things use to be
Struggling to keep you in reach
Damn these energy save bulbs
Having to change you every week
Dimmer than the ones that were mark non go green
I should of just kept the old one
It seems I’ve changed myself && not the scene
Going green for others while forgetting me;
The part of me that means to be
Falling in pits of nails that stick me only in my eyes so I can’t see
Blinding me from the lies labeled on the box where you sleep
Sometimes staying on for hours at a time until I get comfortable enough && you start to flicker
Causing verbal tension between us because I know you cannot hear what im saying
All the while I’m screaming in my head
A ton of curse words while allowing “Got Dimmitt” to slither between my teeth
Reveling to those around me that there is some craziness within me
Even when their were black outs somehow you were the one light that stayed on
Warming the room with your glow
Defining your purpose
Making sure I never forget it
Trying to convince me you were more important than any light in the room
For some reason that’s all I would tell myself when I went out looking for new bulbs
In the mist of reading one night
oh this damn light
Started to flicker non stop until I was tight
Causing lash outs && the post on which it rested to be thrown to the ground
&& still this damn bulb did not give in && break
“it never did make sense to just throw away perfectly good bulb “
So I maned up && replaced the post moving it to a different room
Setting aside our differences hoping that this time it would behave && stay on when that the switch said
But of course after a few days things were back to being the same
Forcing me to open my eyes && see it for what things truly were
Looking over the box reveling that it was a knock off
Quickly finding one to replace it
I yelled at it
You stupid bulb
I cant stand it
Unscrewing the bulb to replace it with a new one
It broke in my hand
????
Lost in the mist of confusion
I started to miss it
It was actually broken
Damn how I miss the flickering
How when i needed it the most it was their
Shining light pon the darkness days i was scared
Now how could i build a bond with this now perfect one?
nothing's really ever perfect but this one
never seems to flicker or dim itself
it just turns on && off whenever i need it to
oh how i miss late night stares into the flickering light
i realize i enjoyed it
i enjoyed the going back && forth
frustration
Outburst that only consisted of us
me
but i broke it
how did i break it
i think it was just tiered of seeing me hurting

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